Jesus and Lupus

Cane in Cart

2012-02-21T08:28:00.002-06:00

We were at Target this weekend and saw this cart as we were pulling into our parking spot. I wonder what the person did when they got home. Were they able to make it to the front door without their cane? Did they feel stupid because they forgot it? I hope they're okay.

But it also reminded me of happy things.

I'm so happy that I don't have to use a cane. We have one in our attic because there have been times that I've needed it and I didn't know if the need would last for the rest of my life. It was scary.

I'm also happy that the limp I had for over a year went away and I wasn't sure about that either.

Another thing is that I don't need as much pain medication lately. Dare I dream to be pain-med free?

I'm so thankful for the progress that we've made.

Thank you for your prayers and please keep praying.

The road is narrow. He who wishes to travel it more easily must cast off all things and use the cross as his cane. In other words, he must be truly resolved to suffer willingly for the love of God in all things.

--St. John of the Cross

Valentine's Day Post

2012-02-19T12:37:00.004-06:00

The morning of Valentine's Day I was hit head-on by a someone driving down the wrong side of the road. It happened just as I was turning right and there was no way I could have avoided it.

The 19 year old girl was really upset. She cried, I tried to console her. The police came and issued a report*. Her mother showed up and yelled at me. She said "Why didn't you honk"? Then she stormed off.

(I'm unit 2.)

*The driver of Unit 1 was turning left off of Townes Forest Rd. onto Hibiscus Ln. and failed to maintain a single lane and struck Unit 2. Unit 2 was turning right off of Hibiscus Ln. onto Townes Forest Rd. and was struck by Unit 1 when it crossed into her lane.

It wasn't the kind of (Valentine's) day I was hoping for but I'm glad that no one was hurt, and my kids were at school. (I had just dropped them off.)

I'm sad the the cost of repairs exceed the value of the car so we're stuck without a vehicle.

I'm also sad that the van my beloved Aunt once owned has been crushed.

I miss her every day. The previous photo was taken at my wedding in August of 2001. She died in July of 2007.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

- Mother Teresa

Bridget Says Hi.

2012-02-10T22:24:00.000-06:00

Brilyn getting ready for a scooter ride.

I saw my neuphrologist this past Thursday. He said that my blood work looks good. I'm in the maintenance phase but my hemoglobin is 8 (normal is 12) so I'm anemic.

I've been extra tired lately so it was a relief to hear that the tiredness stems from anemia but I'm still disappointed to hear that something is out of order.

It seems like pain in general is easier for me to accept if it's expected. Childbirth wasn't devastating because it's natural. Grieving the loss of a loved one who has lived a full live is hard but also a normal part of life. Little things like stumping a toe or bruising a knee is almost a privilege because it means we're alive!

Lupus, on the other hand, makes me feel out of whack. No matter how orderly my house is or how clean my kids are I'll always have the uneasiness of knowing something is out of place and my immune system is acting in a way that's unnatural.

But anemia, that's fine. I can deal with anemia. I'll start taking my liquid liver capsules and I bet things turn around as fast as Brilyn can on her scooter.

Love,

2012-02-01T17:43:00.001-06:00

Having fun at a hotel in Austin while Thomas was interviewing.

I know it's been a while.

I haven't been writing because nothing new is happening with lupus. Which is good!

The kids are great, Thomas is excited about finishing up Med school in May. We still don't know where we'll be for residency. (He had interviews in Austin, Houston, Dallas, Temple and Lubbock.)

Right now I'm trying to go up to 150mg of imuran. (I've been on 100.) It's not easy. Going up in dose makes me extra tired and weak which is why I've been doing it gradually. I remember feeling this way when I went from 50mg to 100 and it took a while (a month or 2?) before I felt like the adjustments had subsided. (Is that a proper term?)

Overall, things are going well.

Please keep praying because there's still a lot of room for lupus-improvements!

Love,

Room at the Manger

2011-12-22T15:35:00.011-06:00

*It's hard to be in a place of sadness during Advent and Christmas. The culture proclaims cheerfulness and happiness. Others expect us to participate in the joy of the season and feel uncomfortable with brokenheartedness and grieving.

But our sadness and mourning, especially in the midst of Advent and Christmas, positions us right where we are supposed to be — in the present moment, feeling whatever feelings reside in us right now. Even in the instance of long-ago loss, we naturally bring to mind the sadness of remembering, the mourning of lost loved ones, lost hopes or dreams at this time of year.

There is room for all at the manger. The good news of Christ’s birth comes to the oppressed, bent over by grief; the brokenhearted, full of tears; those imprisoned by depression and despair. Christ comes to comfort all who mourn, trusting that in God’s time joy will replace sadness.

God of the brokenhearted, it is hard to be in mourning during this joyous time of year. But I know that you come to all of us, especially those filled with tears as captives to grief. Wrap them in your comforting spirit. Amen.

Carry these words in your heart today:

God comforts all who mourn.

-Beth A. Richardson

The Uncluttered Heart
*Sent to me by my friend, Sheri Barber.

Merry Go Round

2011-12-14T08:47:00.003-06:00

So I've been feeling okay lately. It turns out that all of the puking and fever might have been caused by the decrease in prednisone. It was only by 1mg (from 5 to 4) but I hear that even that can make a big difference. Some people have really bad withdrawl/flu-like symptoms.

I can't be sure this was the reason for my 2 weeks of misery but the day I started taking 5 mg of prednisone again, everything was fine.

Now my rheumatologist wants me to start taking 150mg of imuran instead of 100mg so we can try again with lowering the prednisone. (Hopefully with better results.)

This sounds fine except that sometimes imuran is really hard to take. It makes me feel weird and sick to my stomach. I feel like I've just gotten accustomed to the dose I'm on and the thought of increasing it makes my heart feel overwhelmed.

But since I'm a super-hero of a person, I've been doing it for the past 4 days and it hasn't been easy.

So, that's the story.

Meds
Doses
Pain
Relief
Repeat

Not always in that order.

I'm so glad I have my family to keep me going. They're on this lupus-merry-go-round with me, cheering me on as I try to keep my balance and sometimes holding me just in case I'm not strong enough to stand on my own.

Please keep praying for us and I'll keep praying for you too.

This is what it's like

2011-12-11T20:13:00.006-06:00

living with chronic pain.

Tenso

2011-12-06T21:12:00.004-06:00

Check this out for an explanation:

Tenso Explained

Presley's Lips

2011-12-01T08:55:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, as I was getting Presley wrapped up in her robe after bath-time when she stopped, looked me straight in the eyes while pointing to her lips and said "Mom, look at my lips. Are these apocalypse?"

At that point all of the pain and frustration from being sick melted and I felt really happy to have a little girl with such beautiful lips, no matter which kind.

Then I told her that she had Presley-lips. (No sense in talking about the end of the world theories with her, right?)

I can't help but wonder if she's semi-looking for someone named Apoca.

I could just direct her to Alpacas. They have nice lips.

I'm off to see the neuphrologist. (Unrelated to the previous mentionings.)

Love,

Hi Again.

2011-11-29T10:59:00.005-06:00

Happy Birthday Caeli!

Hello.

Sorry it's been so long since the last post. A lot has happened!

Let's start with Thanksgiving: I came home after a nice long meal at my parent's house, tucked the kids in, and then got struck down by a sudden fever, chills, and repetitive projectile vomiting/peeing in my pants at the same time. It was sad.

The next day I thought I was all better but then it returned in the night again just like the day before and it's been that way ever since except I no longer have the days when I think I'm all better because I feel pretty lousy all day. (Sore skin, upset stomach that screams at me when I try to eat, on and off chills and I know that the best part is yet to come later in the day just when I think I've escaped from the ugly grip of whatever this is.)

I guess it's not the flu since I haven't been coughing and there hasn't been any congestion but I don't know. I just want it to be over with.

I was sick on Caeli's birthday. I stayed in bed all day while Thomas did all the things I was looking forward to.

The good news is that I haven't thrown up in a few days, the bad news is that I feel like I'm about to at any moment and sometimes have to somehow stop myself by holding my head up and begging God for mercy.

I am thankful that this isn't lupus related. Having a normal-person sickness if a nice luxury but it's still very hard and I still need lots of prayers.

I'm going to see my neuphrologist tomorrow so I'll be able to tell him all about it while he shakes his head at me because that's what he always does. Hmmmmm......

So please pray for me and of course I'll keep praying for you.

Jesus, I trust in you.

Prednisone

2011-11-16T08:45:00.003-06:00

Hello!

I saw my rheumatologist yesterday. He said that as long as my labwork looks good, I can continue with the meds I'm on and EVEN drop down to 4mg of prednisone. It's been 5+ years since this has happened.

I also asked him if I would have to be on Imuran forever and he said at least 2 years. So, I guess I can make it another 2 years.

When I picked Presley up she was in a really good mood. She asked "Is Daddy Home?" I told her that he was and she replied "Yea! My heart's complete!"

And mine is too.

Love you all!

Presley Fletcher

2011-11-10T20:46:00.001-06:00

I know that every Mom says this, but my baby is growing up way too fast.

Pushing Through Pain

2011-11-05T10:41:00.002-05:00

We don't truly know peace in our hearts until pain is as welcome to us as lack of pain. Then the times when we feel no pain won't be marred by apprehension over the future when maybe we will.

Brother Lawrence

Love,

(and Presley)

All Saints Day and Halloween

2011-11-02T16:26:00.005-05:00

We had the Mad Hatter, a Bumble Bee and Raggedy Ann. They had fun.

Yesterday we went to All Saints Day Mass.

It was a special anniversary for us because 6 years ago I was released from the hospital after we fought so hard against MRSA pneumonia. I remember being so thankful to be let out of the hospital. On the way home, we stopped at church. I'll never forget rejoicing with all of the saints that day. I was so happy to be alive and walking (with a cane) down the isle to accept the Eucharist.

Sometimes I forget to be thankful. I mean, my poor body has been through so much and it still does such a good job considering everything it's overcome.

Even now I'm taking pills of poison (imuran) each day just to keep lupus from attacking me beyond repair and I still manage to complete most of my daily duties. (Even if I'm dragging myself along.)

This was one of the readings from Mass. Remember the neo-magnet and refining post? Spooky coincidence.

Ecclesiastes 2: 1-11

My child, when you come to serve the Lord,
prepare yourself for testing.
Set your heart right and be steadfast,
and do not be impetuous in time of calamity.
Cling to him and do not depart,
so that your last days may be prosperous.
Accept whatever befalls you,
and in times of humiliation be patient.
For gold is tested in the fire,
and those found acceptable, in the furnace of humiliation.
Trust in him, and he will help you;
make your ways straight, and hope in him.

You who fear the Lord, wait for his mercy;
do not stray, or else you may fall.
You who fear the Lord, trust in him,
and your reward will not be lost.
You who fear the Lord, hope for good things,
for lasting joy and mercy.
Consider the generations of old and see:
has anyone trusted in the Lord and been disappointed?
Or has anyone persevered in the fear of the Lord and been forsaken?
Or has anyone called upon him and been neglected? For the Lord is compassionate and merciful;
he forgives sins and saves in time of distress.

I pray for everyone who reads this and ask for healing and strength for us and all of our families.

Love,

This Halloween I'll Be Magnetic Girl.

2011-10-31T14:27:00.007-05:00

Hello.

So, it's Halloween. Last night I had a dream where a man was singing a song. Here are the lyrics I remember:

I'm like a neo-magnet racing onward, pressing forward into the future.

Then I looked up neo-magnets and found out they actually exist.

They're the strongest type of rare-earth magnets, permanent and made from alloys of rare earth elements.

Pretty cool, right?

I want to be a neo-magnet. They're even refined in really high temperatures. I guess I can pretend it's fun to be refined and purified so my heart can be pure for God.

If I'm going to have to go through the refinement process, I at least want to be attractive. Right? Also being rare and permanent seems like it would be nice.

Also, (back to the neo-magnets) the ones that are larger than a few centimeters are strong enough to cause injuries to body parts pinched between two magnets, or a magnet and a metal surface, even causing broken bones.

See! I could be a really dangerous super-hero if I choose to unleash my magnetic powers.

It's fun to pretend and sound weird.

Love,

Even Superheros Get Sick.

2011-10-28T12:56:00.002-05:00

Hello. Just wanted to say that Presley and I haven't been feeling well. I think she's almost over it but I'm still feeling very achy, extra tired, and I guess I won't bore you with the other symptoms.

So please send some extra prayers our way.

It always makes me nervous when I start feeling bad. I hope it's just a virus but there's always the possibility of increased lupus activity.

Plus, lately I've been extra worried when I think about all of the major side-effects the Imuran I'm taking could potentially cause. Really, really scary stuff.

Illness is always disheartening, but especially when one has been dealing with constant ailments for years and years.

Plus, a lot of things are coming up that require a lot of extra strength and energy. (Halloween activities, Thomas having interviews, Brilyn's science project, etc.) Even right now, as I type, I'm contemplating whether or not I should go to the girl's school's Diabetes Walk which starts at 1. I don't feel good, my knees are weak, I look tired and I am tired but Caeli asked me to please make it if at all possible. She was even excited to see that it's overcast, chilly and drizzly this morning because she knows that makes for good lupus weather.

My heart is tired and I'm sad about always having to force my body to do things that hurt. But, the show must go on.

Please, please remember to keep or put me in your prayers. I don't want to slip away into hard-core sickness again. (Or any sickness but I'll take whatever scraps I can get.)

Love,

Why I Don't Post Many Pictures Of Myself

2011-10-27T10:01:00.008-05:00

Because I'm usually the one taking pictures and if it's not me (Thomas) than I'm trying to get the kids to pose for him or enjoying one of the rare moments I have where I'm not the one wrangling the kids into form.
The times we usually have a camera out and ready are at places like Chuck E. Cheese (see above photo) and that doesn't seem like a cool enough background for an adult.
I'm afraid that if you can see my eyes you might be able to also see how tired I am and I don't want you to feel sad about that.
I also wonder if posting a lot of images of myself might seem conceited.
On the flip side, I wonder if my image will disappoint you. (Just another, more warped version of conceit. Giving appearance too much power.)

Let's visit the last two for a bit: If I look pretty, I don't want anyone to be jealous and if I don't look pretty I don't want the imagined shame of letting you down. Yes, I feel like it's part of my job to bring beauty in the world and I don't want to disappoint by reminding anyone of anything that isn't. (I know that both are very warped and egocentric.) I know this sort of thinking isn't good and that's why I'm talking about it here, with you, because just in case you see me and ask me how I'm doing I probably won't have time to get into things like this. I'll either have my kids around me or I'll only have a few minutes before I have to pick them up, etc.

I also know that there are three, very beautiful eternal people that I've helped bring into existence and that makes me abundantly happy which brings me to...

Open House

I really, really love my kids and think that images of them are special. See, I just can't help myself.

So, maybe I'll start (trying) to post more images of myself if I remember that they really are just images and the real me (and you) is so much more than our appearance. I guess there can also be beauty in very tired eyes that have seen a lot of sad things but (at least) still have the privilege of seeing.

Dear God,

Please help us to know our value because of your love and your purpose for our lives. Help us to seek your beauty out in others and to remember that "not as man sees does God see, because man sees the appearance but the Lord looks into the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)

The Next Great Artist

2011-10-24T10:15:00.010-05:00

Caeli next to her art project from last year.

I've been watching The Next Great Artist on Bravo. There have only been two episodes so far but I've been struck by the judges decisions.

So, (and this is what I'm getting at) they sent the girl who has Crohn's Disease home (Second Episode) and I think part of that decision was based on her mentioning that the process of being on the show was stressful and extra stress could be a trigger for disease activity. I paid extra attention because this particular disorder is a bit like Lupus. The big difference is that a person with Crohn's Disease deals with their white blood cells attacking their gastrointestinal tract instead of their organs.

So, back to the contestant (Kathryn) with Crohn's Disease. This is a girl who has a BFA in Photography from MassArt and a MFA in Photography from Yale University. Come on, she can obviously handle stress.

(You can browse her portfolio if you like.)

Anyhow, the judges eliminated her and then one of them said "I hope you feel better."

That statement made me think that her disease influenced their decision and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I guess it could have been editing and it's probably human nature to put people into categories. Maybe they had a hard time deciding who should go home and Crohn's Disease made it easier on them. They could always tell themselves "It was for her own good."

Overall, her early elimination upset me because there have been many occasions where having Lupus has definitely influenced what I feel I'm capable of and what others perceive me as being capable of. I know it's the harsh reality of the situation. Those of us with auto-immune diseases have different compasses we have to gauge our lives by.

But when I think about the richness of Kathryn's artwork and how her suffering has obviously played a part of how she expresses herself, it makes me happy and sad.

Happy that she's who she is partly because she has Crohn's Disease and sad because it's not fun to be eliminated from anything because of it.

Beauty and the Beast Alternate Ending

2011-10-20T12:30:00.006-05:00


Caeli is spying on Brilyn while she sleeps. You can see a bit of the castle behind Caeli's head.

Beauty and the Beast

Cogsworth: Enchanted? Ha ha ha ha. Who said anything about the castle being enchanted?

(To Lumiere)

Cogsworth: It was you, wasn't it?

Presley (not pictured) hasn't been feeling well. She's been coughing a lot and stayed home from pre-school today. We watched Beauty and the Beast and I couldn't help but wonder what the story would have been like if the Beast would have welcomed Maurice into his home.

Think about the parallels. The Beast became The Beast after he denied an old beggar woman shelter. She morphed into a fairy princess after the rejection and administered the beastly curse until he could learn to love and be loved in return.

So, instead of putting Maurice (Belle's father) in the dungeon (or wherever it was) he could have taken the lead of his enchanted servants and chosen to be hospitable. This would have been his chance to get it right. The old beggar woman asking for shelter = Maurice asking for shelter.

Surely Belle would have found her father and started falling in love with the Beast even sooner. (Especially if Maurice was being cared for in the castle while recovering from his illness.)

Gaston wouldn't have had the power of the townspeople behind him because the Beast might have turned back into a human before anyone outside of the castle knew about him. Then maybe he wouldn't have been led by jealousy and disgust because Belle would have been in love with a worthy prince instead of a hideous beast and his (Gaston's) life would have been spared.

Anyhow, those are the sorts of things I think about while watching cartoons.

Then it makes me think about all the times God has given me chance after chance to get it right and I wonder if there are any similarities between myself and the Beast. (Yes, there are.)

I just hope that God will give me the strength to overcome anything that's not of him and I'm happy to know that in the end love will show the way and break the curse.

Love,

Serving and Stuff

2011-10-17T18:42:00.009-05:00

Brilyn, Caeli and Presley

Thomas has his first residency interview next week on Wednesday. There will be many more to come after that and we're so excited to end the medical school chapter of our lives.

At this point I keep asking myself if everything we've gone through for this M.D. is worth it. I guess I'll know later after we've paid off our student loans and life (hopefully) isn't as crazy.

The first year was really hard. I really didn't think I would make it because I was so sick. I don't know what I would have done without my friend Sarah who showed up every day to pick my kids up and bring them home from school. (Among countless other things.) Knowing that she would be here every day helped to give me the extra strength to get out of bed and keep the house clean. She was always so kind, hopeful and upbeat. (Still is.)

I know it wasn't always easy to be around us and there were many mornings (when the kids were particularly difficult) that I thought she might never come back but she always did!

Her willingness to go where God sent her is what helped me survive and she's one of the reasons why I hope that one day we'll be in the position where we have extra resources (health, time, money) to serve others.

She's not the kind of person who likes recognition or praise so I usually refrain from these sorts of things when she's concerned but today I really felt compelled to send out a special thank you for all that she's done for us, and the friendship and love she continues to offer our family every day.

She's offered herself as a servant to us and has become a part of our family. We love her.

Sarah, Brilyn and Caeli

To maintain a joyful family requires much from both the parents and the children. Each member of the family has to become, in a special way, the servant of the others.

Pope John Paul II

Dear God,

Help us to be your hands and feet. Please bless Sarah, her family, and everyone who reads this.

Wishes

2011-10-16T19:25:00.007-05:00

Brilyn

Presley

Things I've been wishing for:

That all real cakes could be as healthy as watermelon.

A cool gap in between my teeth.

The ability to freeze time like Evie on Out of This World.

Un-chapped lips.

The last has inspired this poem:

When I'm out in the cold and my lips are chapped
I start to feel sad that the warmth is gone
Then I remember what I should have said which is,
Use Balm and Carry On.

Sorry, that's all I have for now. Lately I've been bored with myself because I don't have major hurdles to jump over in regards to my health. Things have been steady and I can't get rid of this weird uneasiness inside me. I keep reminding myself that just because things are going well, it doesn't mean that something bad is going to happen and it doesn't mean I have to wear myself out with stress so that I'll feel as tired as I use to feel. That's it! I almost feel guilty for feeling good. So, I'm trying to remember what Paul said in Philippians 4:12 because I want to be like him.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

(So much nonsense in my brain because I don't want to be unoriginal but even that thought is from a movie most everyone has seen. Maybe if I leave out the title I'll seem a little more mysterious and if you happen to know what I'm talking about we can both know we have a secret connection. If not, sorry.)

Love,

Fun With Meds

2011-10-08T10:49:00.005-05:00

So, I saw my Neuphrologist last week. He's so pleased with the progress I've made that he said I didn't have to come back for 2 months! Over the past 4 years I've been seeing him monthly with blood work and urinalysis every two weeks. At the appointment, I felt like I was a little girl trying to convince my dad that I could ride my bike without training wheels. My arguments were convincing and I had sufficient evidence to support my claims (no rash, no swelling, great lab work, healthy weight loss, normal blood pressure and I even fixed my hair in the healthiest way I could come up with) but, inside I was wondering if I really believed I was ready for this.

So, am I? I think so but I honestly try not to think about it too much or I'm overwhelmed with panicky thoughts. A bunch of what ifs and whys and wah wah's. (The crying sound, not the guitar effect pedal.)

I mostly try to be thankful for each day and know that I can't take anything for granted. Every day that I'm only on 5mg of prednisone I can either be happy that I at least have a day, or scared that tomorrow it could all be taken away from me again. Surrendering is hard and really, regardless of anyone's physical health, we're all in the same situation. Every day is a gift and no one knows what's going to happen.

The weight thing is especially hard. I know that being on high doses of steroids will cause quick weight gain that can't be controlled. So, every time I lose a pound I can either choose to be happy about that, or panicky that it could all be taken away from me like before.

Then I remember the importance of humility. Nothing really belongs to me, not even myself and if I surrender, I'm happy.

However, It would be really nice if someday I didn't have a hatbox full of medication on my nightstand. We'd have fun filling it with blocks instead of medicine bottles. I guess a kid could build towers with either one.

Love,

Apples

2011-10-03T21:59:00.001-05:00

I was sitting at my desk a few days ago and don't remember what I was thinking about but I do remember my mind responding to whatever I was asking with this phrase:

You don't convince a person to eat an apple by eating one in front of them, but by planting an apple tree.

Then I thought "Hmm, what does that mean?" I don't remember ever hearing that before, but it sounds interesting. I tried to tell myself to remember it so I could ponder on it later... even though that usually never works. However, I think it might have this time.

This is what I've come up with: Our love can't just be expressed by words, it has to be proven by actions. Jesus was mockingly exalted on a tree and that's the ultimate way he expressed his love for us. The crosses we are destined to bare in life are really meant to rise us up so that others can see the glory of God. As believers, we can't just sit around eating our blessings and expect people to be drawn towards Christ. We have to plant apple trees or accept our crosses, and give God the glory because everyone knows that without his strength we are unable to rise above our trials.

Okay, that's all I've got so far. Any suggestions?

Maybe these pictures can help explain what I'm trying to say. They were taken in January of 2002 so I was 3 months pregnant with Brilyn.

Reporting

2011-09-27T19:10:00.002-05:00

So I got a letter from my doctor and everything looks great. The protein in my urine is less than 1. Very great news.
Thomas is taking the Step 2 test tomorrow.
Every day is completely full with dropping off and picking up and church and exercise and homework with the kids.
I'm tired but happy and so thankful that my immune system is calm even though the kids aren't.

Love,

Smart Faces

2011-09-20T17:58:00.017-05:00

I saw my rheumatologist last Thursday. He's moving to another clinic in October. I did lab-work after my appointment so I'm not sure how things look. He'll probably call on Thursday to let me know.

I feel really bad because I forgot to tell him that I had hernia repair surgery. My excuse is: It's really hard to concentrate because I get nervous when students examine me. During the appointment there was a resident and a medical student, neither of whom of I've ever met, so it caught me off guard, and I left the surgery out completely.

So I would like to tell the doctor that I think he's great and I'm sorry. Thomas told me not to give him my blog address (Sad face) and I guess I would probably be embarrassed if he were to read this. But sometimes I imagine him accidentally doing a search for Bridget Fletcher and Lupus and finding me out. Mostly, I think that if he did read my blog he might actually think I'm smart because I use words like whom. In person, I fumble during appointments and if I were him I might wonder how a guy that's smart enough to be completing medical school could be married to a girl who has trouble finishing sentences. (Sadder face.)

I could be slightly paranoid because I remember my 8th grade teacher making me stay after class to tell me that I don't have to act like I'm not smart because she sees my work and knows otherwise. The truth is, I wasn't trying to act any way. (Saddest face.)

I wish I could pull off an attitude like the one represented by Presley's face in the above photo. She looks like she's really smart.

Love,

p.s. Thomas tells me that anyone who uses "whom" has to be sure they are using it correctly or else trying to sound smart actually has exactly the opposite effect... so I guess it's good I try to phrase everything so that anyone to whom I'm speaking never has to hear me use that word in real life. Whatever.