Even Superheros Get Sick.

Hello.  Just wanted to say that Presley and I haven't been feeling well.  I think she's almost over it but I'm still feeling very achy, extra tired, and I guess I won't bore you with the other symptoms.

So please send some extra prayers our way.
 
It always makes me nervous when I start feeling bad.  I hope it's just a virus but there's always the possibility of increased lupus activity.

Plus, lately I've been extra worried when I think about all of the major side-effects the Imuran I'm taking could potentially cause.  Really, really scary stuff.

Illness is always disheartening, but especially when one has been dealing with constant ailments for years and years.

Plus, a lot of things are coming up that require a lot of extra strength and energy.  (Halloween activities, Thomas having interviews, Brilyn's science project, etc.)  Even right now, as I type, I'm contemplating whether or not I should go to the girl's school's Diabetes Walk which starts at 1.  I don't feel good, my knees are weak, I look tired and I am tired but Caeli asked me to please make it if at all possible.  She was even excited to see that it's overcast, chilly and drizzly this morning because she knows that makes for good lupus weather.

My heart is tired and I'm sad about always having to force my body to do things that hurt.  But, the show must go on.

Please, please remember to keep or put me in your prayers.  I don't want to slip away into hard-core sickness again.  (Or any sickness but I'll take whatever scraps I can get.)

Love,

Why I Don't Post Many Pictures Of Myself

• Because I'm usually the one taking pictures and if it's not me (Thomas) than I'm trying to get the kids to pose for him or enjoying one of the rare moments I have where I'm not the one wrangling the kids into form.
• The times we usually have a camera out and ready are at places like Chuck E. Cheese (see above photo) and that doesn't seem like a cool enough background for an adult.
• I'm afraid that if you can see my eyes you might be able to also see how tired I am and I don't want you to feel sad about that.
• I also wonder if posting a lot of images of myself might seem conceited.
• On the flip side, I wonder if my image will disappoint you.  (Just another, more warped version of conceit.  Giving appearance too much power.)

Let's visit the last two for a bit:  If I look pretty, I don't want anyone to be jealous and if I don't look pretty I don't want the imagined shame of letting you down.  Yes, I feel like it's part of my job to bring beauty in the world and I don't want to disappoint by reminding anyone of anything that isn't.  (I know that both are very warped and egocentric.) I know this sort of thinking isn't good and that's why I'm talking about it here, with you,  because just in case you see me and ask me how I'm doing I probably won't have time to get into things like this.   I'll either have my kids around me or I'll only have a few minutes before I have to pick them up, etc.

I also know that there are three, very beautiful eternal people that I've helped bring into existence and that makes me abundantly happy which brings me to...

Open House

•  I really, really love my kids and think that images of them are special.  See, I just can't help myself. 

So, maybe I'll start (trying) to post more images of myself if I remember that they really are just images and the real me (and you) is so much more than our appearance.   I guess there can also be beauty in very tired eyes that have seen a lot of sad things but (at least) still have the privilege of seeing.

Dear God,

Please help us to know our value because of your love and your purpose for our lives.  Help us to seek your beauty out in others and to remember that "not as man sees does God see, because man sees the appearance but the Lord looks into the heart."  (1 Samuel 16:7)

The Next Great Artist

Caeli next to her art project from last year.

I've been watching The Next Great Artist on Bravo.  There have only been two episodes so far but I've been struck by the judges decisions.

So, (and this is what I'm getting at) they sent the girl who has Crohn's Disease home (Second Episode) and I think part of that decision was based on her mentioning that the process of being on the show was stressful and extra stress could be a trigger for disease activity.  I paid extra attention because this particular disorder is a bit like Lupus.  The big difference is that a person with Crohn's Disease deals with their white blood cells attacking their gastrointestinal tract instead of their organs.

So, back to the contestant (Kathryn) with Crohn's Disease.  This is a girl who has a BFA in Photography from MassArt and a MFA in Photography from Yale University.  Come on, she can obviously handle stress.

(You can browse her portfolio if you like.)

Anyhow, the judges eliminated her and then one of them said "I hope you feel better."

That statement made me think that her disease influenced their decision and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I guess it could have been editing and it's probably human nature to put people into categories.  Maybe they had a hard time deciding who should go home and Crohn's Disease made it easier on them.  They could always tell themselves "It was for her own good."

Overall, her early elimination upset me because there have been many occasions where having Lupus has definitely influenced what I feel I'm capable of and what others perceive me as being capable of.  I know it's the harsh reality of the situation.  Those of us with auto-immune diseases have different compasses we have to gauge our lives by.

But when I think about the richness of Kathryn's artwork and how her suffering has obviously played a part of how she expresses herself, it makes me happy and sad.

Happy that she's who she is partly because she has Crohn's Disease and sad because it's not fun to be eliminated from anything because of it.